Still figuring it all out

Running it off

My mall-walking with stroller buddy was not around today so I decided to bear the 93 degree heat and shove the stroller for a while on the local greenway. I plugged in my ipod shuffle, which I haven't listened to in about 6 months. Its full of non-wholesome songs with a strong beat, but as soon as my feet hit the pavement of the greenway and I heard the first few beats I had the burning urge to run. I wanted to swallow it all whole and conquer that trail. It was awesome, and I never thought I would have that feeling again. Running isn't conducive in my little carseat stroller frame so I just walked with a vengance. It was so nice, I haven't had that burning urge to run in a while. I even talked myself out of the fear of running with these new pump-exhausted boobs. Out of tradition I am doing a local 5k in a week, and I may go beat the pavement with my old running crew because a friend said she would let me borrow a running stroller. Totally worth it.

In other news...

This is day 6 of Weight Watchers. So far so good. I have actually never gone over my points limit for the day so I haven't used my extras for the week or the activity extras. Documenting what I eat and having a structure to keep me in check might be all I need. Hopefully I have shed some pounds, I have definitely eaten more veggies and fruits this week. And no ice cream.

I did have another brief instance of crazy-down-on-myself-ness the other day. I lived. I still haven't contacted a counselor. Walking around a bookstore reminded me to revisit "Feeling Good" by David Burns. That book worked wonders for me about 7 years ago, and some when I was first pregnant and feeling abandoned by my infertility friends.

Off to sock monkey knitting and watching too much TV. Have a good weekend.

Leaving the dark cave

This is a post wherein I will talk about my feelings. Yikes.

Yesterday was a monumetally bad day. Bad as in laying on my bed and sobbing bad. The reasons were varied: the value of our house decreased 18% so selling is not a good idea, not being pregnant despite convincing myself I was and the dr thinking I might have miscarried, loneliness, weight gain. Most of those reasons are petty and I don't feel like getting into them. I felt like I had nobody to talk to except for Dear Old Dad.  Now, I love that guy so much and he will be my mate for life, but dragging him into my dark cave at that moment was a terrible idea. And I brought him in via IM, also dumb. I found myself on the verge of saying insulting things to him and then a good friend called. This particular friend is about the only person who can call and I will answer while sobbing. She came right over and hung out for a few hours. It was nice and cheered me up for the duration that she was here.

But then she went home, I realized I'm still me and my problems didn't completely go away. So I IMed her praises to Dear Old Dad and started to insult him.  This is when I started to feel like poo.  I was so relieved when he came home to me, albeit wounded. We had sort of a heart-to-heart talk that night after the kiddo went to bed. I needed to be told how lucky I am to stay at home with kiddo and he weighed in on the house thing, which will be tabled for a while, and I decided I would rather go see a counselor instead of call my doctor who is ready to put me on Zoloft right away. My good friend had convinced me earlier that the pregnancy thing is a little too overambitious and nutso.

Today life was much easier, so hopefully yesterday was just a bad day and I can let it stay in the past. I have been reading this book and it is changing my life. I bought a copy and I'm going to highlight stuff in it. I never do that, but I feel compelled to do it now.

I have always put too much of my own self-worth into my career. I gave up so much salary and career potential to be a teacher, and I know despite the non-renewal (to give my position to somebody who was tenured, got a DUI and still kept her job) that I was a good teacher. It was fulfilling. I liked working with kids and knew I had a purpose. I can name a half-dozen kids labeled SPED who have a high school diploma because I helped them get through Algebra. I'm proud of that.

Objectively, I know that being a SAHM has a purpose and is just as important, maybe more so. I also know it will reap lots of rewards. I guess since kiddo is only 4 months I am still adjusting to this life. With the exception of travelling to see family, the last month has been kind of lonely. The infertility girls with kids have been travelling all summer so we haven't had as many regular play dates. I'm not yet satisfied with this mommy group that required a "try-out". I would like to find a knitting group, but no luck so far. And school is starting Monday, teachers have been back for a week. This is a really stressful time to be a teacher, but it is also exciting. And I have nothing to do with it, which both relieves and bums me out a little.

However, this is what I have to look forward to (silly list-making commencing now):

Tutoring (I already have 2 or 3 that are smart enough to get going right when school starts and they come to my house).

Classes starting. I think I'm going to go ahead and take 6 hours. I would rather be busier.

Regular play groups. Summer is "over" in the kid world so the infertility mommy group will start meeting more often. And I'm trying to keep an open mind about the other group. Maybe we can start some knitting/crafty meetups.

Counseling. I've done it before in my life. It will help. It always does.

Walking. That friend who saved the day meets me at the mall so we go walking. When the outdoors is no longer an oven we can also do greenways. She is good like that.

And last but not least.... Weightwatchers. I'm joining the online thingy. My body is burning calories like nutso now with all of the milk I make, so I might as well. According to "my personal assessment" I could lose XX pounds. (I'm not telling you!) This means my boyfriends Ben and Jerry will have to play keep-away, but Food is Fuel, not a counselor.

And I will continue to play with my son who is way cuter than the baby on the Pamper's box. He will drool and grin his thank yous back at me. And crinkle his nose when he smiles, which kills me each time.